By Rob Gilpatric

FORWARD

Isn't just amazing how some people are highly intelligent, articulate, and knowledgeable? Sometimes you meet people who are talented in incredible ways, and when you work at a store as a clerk or service-person, most of the people respect of your expertise and your time.

Most of them.

But sadly not all of them.

Some customers come to stores aren’t like this first type of person. These customers often rope us into time-consuming, bewildering, and draining conversations, and when taken as a whole, these conversations slow down the entire store and place a great deal of stress upon you. These are “difficult” customers. My goal is to help keep you from getting roped into, hooked by, and otherwise annoyed with, difficult customers.

There is a way to become more on-point and to defuse these customers with bomb squad grace and skill of, and I’ll tell you all I know about it.

Specifically, people who should read this work in:

any store that sells things
any business that sells things
any business that repairs things

I designed this document to apply toward technical areas and products, such as the sale or repair of computer equipment or high-fidelity audio systems or automobiles.

Buried within the interactions with “difficult” customers are several common themes I have seen in my travels. I named these themes and developed a few archetypes for each type of difficult customer. I have also created several responses I use to manage the direction of these conversations and thereby defuse the tick-tick-ticking within a customer’s specific issues. My goal is to keep my customer from exploding in my face or from flying into a tailspin, and to keep our conversation moving forward in a productive manner.

Those archetypes are:

The Victims

The Victim of Obsolescence
The Lemon Sniffer
Mr. Clueless

The Time-sinks

The Brainsucker
Mr. Special
The Helpless Child
The Mental Wanderer
Sir Returns-a-Lot
The Globetrotter

The Wallet-Clenchers

The Miser
The Do-It-Yourselfer

The Mad-Scientist

The Freezer

The Crazy Train

THE VICTIMS

The Victim of Obsolescence
The Lemon Sniffer
Mr. Clueless

The Victim of Obsolescence

CUSTOMER: You mean my computer is obsolete already?!!!!

This type of customer feels like he is at the mercy of technology or of life in general. This type of person can take up your time simply by complaining about the state of the world, but they never seem to take responsibility for their actions, do they? Remember this one:

YOU: There’s no such thing as an obsolete computer — only a human being whose needs have changed.

This immediately forces the customer to accept the cold-hard fact that the computer has stayed the same — but he hasn’t! Oftentimes they need to accomplish some specific goal that he did not foresee when he first bought the computer. Therefore, it isn’t reasonable for him to blame the computer industry when it’s really him that’s doing the changing.

After you deliver this refreshing outlook to the customer, treat him as you would a Freezer (which I discuss in a moment).

Summary
The Victim of Obsolescence

Key Characteristic
blindness

Defusing Technique
realign their expectations about technology, reinforce that it’s they who have changed

The Lemon Sniffer

CUSTOMER: You mean my car broke already? Do I have a lemon? Oh no! I’ve had three lemons! I always get a lemon!

The word “lemon” is very important in my list of watchwords because it implies whoever uttered it has a very limited and victim-centric view on the world. Not only that, this word implies the customer may be on the verge of becoming irrational, a state you do not want him to enter.

YOU: Sir, there is no such thing as a lemon — only bad components and superstitious people.

This forces the customer to think the same way we, who understand technical things, have to think, which is: things break from rational and knowable causes.

Summary
The Lemon Sniffer

Key Characteristic
superstitious

Defusing Technique
realign their understanding about why things break

Mr. Clueless

CUSTOMER: What?! $1200 for data recovery? But I just bought this computer! Aren’t my files covered under warranty? I’m not paying $1200 for my data! Apple will pay for it!

Aaah, this type. How many times have we met this one. Three per day at least. This type is not willing to go out of their way to back up their data or admit that backing up, a fact of life these days, is an important act of self-protection. Everybody knows seat belts are good to use — most people use ‘em. Same thing with backing up data. Shame on you if you don’t.

This type of person, consciously or unconsciously, won’t face the realities and risks of not backing up, and when data-catastrophe strikes, she won’t bear responsibility for her own data.

YOU: I’m sorry but data and software are never covered by warranty. Apple won’t cover it. But you can use this as a learning experience — about the importance of backing up and organizing your digital assets.

These are such stressful times for people that a great deal of grace and sympathy are necessary. Commiserate for a few minutes (hey, we’ve all been there too) and move on.

Summary
Mr. Clueless

Key Characteristic
ignorant

Defusing Technique
realign their expectations on what they are responsible for

THE TIME-SINKS

The Brainsucker
Mr. Special
The Helpless Child
The Mental Wanderer
Sir Returns-a-Lot
The Globetrotter

The Brainsucker

CUSTOMER: Justonemorequickquestion!

This archetype is the one who asks you a laundry list of often highly technical questions without buying anything. This type, being so common, is almost an occupational hazard and is very well-known. The difficulty of this type is you often don’t know how to say “no” and establish a boundary.

It takes an incredible sensitivity to detect these types of people right away and expose them for what they are: nice people, but very needy. In general, when you catch a whiff that you’re speaking to a Brainsucker, keep your answers short and non-technical. If the Brainsucker wants to get into details, keep a tight rein on the time, and say this:

YOU: I’ve answered your questions. Would you like to now buy any of the items we’ve discussed?

YOU: I’m sorry to cut you off, but I need to help other customers. Since you have so many complex questions, do yourself a favor and hire a consultant to help you navigate these issues and set up a sturdy workflow that’ll eliminate headaches. Here is a website I recommend for finding one.

This archetype is not a deeply stressful type of customer to deal with — so, pound-for-pound, they appear easier to deal with than a Mr. Special, a Mad Scientist, or a Crazy Train, but Brainsuckers are so ubiquitous that they exact a heavy toll upon us as a whole.

CUSTOMER: Can I pick your brain?

YOU: Yes, but there are a lot of people here who I must help also. What’s your question?

Be vigilant against this chronic irritant.

Summary
The Brainsucker

Key Characteristic
clingy

Defusing Technique
quickly define a time boundary

Mr. Special

CUSTOMER: I bought three-thousand dollars worth of equipment from this store over the past seven years? And this is the kind of service you give me?

Ahh, the American royalty. They like to shop at the same store over-and-over for an unusual reason. Mr. Special (or sometimes Mrs. Special) wants to think, because they’ve done so-and-so for your store, or spent ex-amount there, that they are entitled to special treatment.

YOU: I’m sorry ma’am. It’s first come, first serve.
YOU: Well, we appreciate your business. Thank you for that. But this is as much of a discount as I can give you without getting in trouble.
YOU: I’m sorry ma’am. But if this computer is so important to your business and you cannot afford downtime, then perhaps it might be wise to get a spare, just in case of emergencies like this.
YOU: I’m sorry ma’am. But this is beyond our exchange policy, and we cannot exchange it for you. You must take this up with the manufacturer directly. Here’s their phone number…

This archetype is the inverse of the Victims. She is not at odds with the world; nor is she in fear of it. Oh no. She is in complete alignment with all the powerful forces in the world and in full command over them. Mrs. Special is also highly dependent upon the telecommunications industry:

CUSTOMER: I’m sorry, I have to take this call.

Mrs. Special often sits down for a sales consultation only to receive a number of cellphone calls that she simply has to take. One call, perhaps, is okay. But more than that is disrespectful to your expertise, your time, and other customers. It is therefore not out-of-line for you to ask if you may help someone else:

YOU: Sure! But is it alright if I help another customer in the meantime? There are others waiting.

Watch what they say then. You may notice Mr. Special often moonlights as a Globetrotter. Now by that, I mean he might consequently be disorganized, have a return to make, and have a plane-ride to Iceland he simply has to catch.

The difficulty in handling Mr. Special is that you do need to treat them carefully, but you may not know just how carefully. Sometimes a Mr. Special actually is very special! The delicate footstep and careful hand always wins this match.

Summary
Mr. Special

Key Characteristic
over-entitled

Defusing Technique
gently assert the power dynamics of your relationship and define the boundaries of your service

The Helpless Child

CUSTOMER: Why do they keep changing things?
CUSTOMER: You’re not helping me!
CUSTOMER: You’re the experts.
CUSTOMER: I’m relying on your expertise.
CUSTOMER: Aren’t you supposed to know this?

This type of customer does not want to shoulder any responsibility for his own tools or workflow and wants to shove that responsibility onto somebody else — you. This is an insidious form of passive-aggressivity that you should be on the lookout for.

YOU: Apple’s actions are beyond our control. But you can protect yourself.
YOU: We cannot assume total responsibility for your decisions — I am here to advise you as best I can. I am giving you advice.
YOU: The responsibility of this store has limits. Know the product you’re getting in bed with.
YOU: Just because we are experts in a given area does not mean we know everything.
YOU: Ultimately, the one who must bear the burden of knowing your options and your workflow is you, and you owe it to yourself to do some research.
YOU: We do not create workflows for customers. But I can give you some hints.

This tricky archetype is a fifty-fifty blend of both Time-sink and Victim. But regardless, sometimes you need to bring to a customer’s attention that they are not taking charge of their own situation and they need to start doing so. In this case, use this one:

YOU: Sushi chefs always sharpen their own knives.

Sometimes there are cases when the customer blatantly shirks his responsibility. Sometimes the Helpless Child becomes so alarmed they beg you for help, which means they have entered into a very dangerous emotional state of desperation. Be very wary when you hear this from a customer:

CUSTOMER: Oooo! Just tell me what to do!

Do not get caught in this web. Force the customer to assume the responsibility himself and to be, ultimately, an adult about it.

YOU: If I did that, I would be doing you a disservice.

…thinking, “If I did that, I would be screwing you.” Hey, life is complex sometimes. You’ve got to be able to handle it.

Summary
The Helpless Child

Key Characteristic
irresponsible

Defusing Technique
define the boundaries of your service

The Mental Wanderer

CUSTOMER: blah blah blah (never getting to his point)

This type of customer is overwhelmed by the minutia of his own life and is having trouble summarizing his experience for you. Often these are drifting narratives of what happened, but in mind-numbing microscopic detail.

YOU: I don’t mean to interrupt, but can you tell me what happened in a general way? Do you think it’s a software issue? Oh, so then it must be hardware.

This forces the customer to think in a more zoomed-out way, forcing him to summarize his problems and helping him emerge from “fight-or-flight” mindset.

Summary
The Mental Wanderer

Key Characteristic
blurred

Defusing Technique
define the boundaries of discussion, control the conversation

Sometimes when the mental wanderer doesn’t respond or listen to you, you must break out a big gun. Here is an aggressive response that may force him to the point:

YOU: This is very complex, and I have other customers that I must help. I can’t work through all these issues with you right now, but if you detail all these issues out on an email and send it to me at blah-blah-blah, I can try to get you some answers.

Beware that this technique may be too bracing for some customers and should be used sparingly during face-to-face interaction. But some people can be such need Time-sinks that to protect yourself you must draw this line.

Sir Returns-a-Lot & The Globetrotter

Sir Returns-a-Lot and the Globetrotter are fraternal twins. They both share a family trait for living chaotic lifestyles and, upon entering your store, becoming Time-sinks.

Sir Returns-a-Lot lives such a chaotic life that he seems to give off the air that he thinks that purchasing things at your store is like renting equipment, and he seems to enjoy bending your return policy.

Summary
Sir Return-a-Lot

Key Characteristic
disorganized

Defusing Technique
confirm your service and return policies, do not be distracted by their story

CUSTOMER: I’m leaving the country and I need a blah-blah-blah repaired by tomorrow!

The Globetrotter, however, wreaks his havoc not based on disorganization but based on deadlines. This customer is ruled by deadlines and airline departure times. I wager that at some point you will most certainly meet this harried and frazzled creature. And when you do, stay close to your return policy.

Summary
The Globetrotter

Key Characteristic
rushed

Defusing Technique
confirm your service and return policies, do not be distracted by their story

When you use these defusing techniques on the Time-sinks, they will immediately begin showing you respect. You will see this in their eyes and hear it in their voice. Perhaps, with a twinkle in their eye, they may even call you a ”straight-shooter,” a high complement coming from a Time-sink.

THE FREEZER

This type of customer is extremely common in repair situations. You won’t spot him coming right off the bat because the freeze generally appears only after you present two equally-powered options to him. There is a kind of surprise jack-in-the-box effect going on. The “deer-in-the-headlights” facial expression is a dead give-away that you’ve met a Freezer. He is very common:

CUSTOMER: Um. Wow. I don’t know what to do. Geez. Eight-hundred dollars? I, er, um…

These situations are very uncomfortable for the Freezer because, outside of your store in everyday life, he is perfectly capable of making decisions. But when inside, faced with some mighty calamity which he must decide over, he freezes up like a block of ice. How do you thaw out the Freezer?

The Priority Principle. The priority principle is when you can drill into a customer’s underlying issues that emerge after we give him his options. I find it very helpful to frame customers’ decisions by priority. In other words I am framing the Freezer‘s options for him. This forces him to acknowledge his biggest priority. Generally, the three biggest priorities are: saving money, saving time, or avoiding toil.

YOU: What’s your priority? Do you need to get to work right away? Or can you wait?

The Victims archetypes — the Victim of Obsolescence and the Helpless Child — in general are not rational creatures and they suffer for it. But this is not the case with most Freezers and the Wallet Clenchers: they are very rational. Their problem is that they are confused and torn, a very uncomfortable mental state. The Freezer may be torn because both options appear to be equally-powered. That’s if he understands his options. But he may not even completely understand those options and therefore may be very confused. This mental state is highly distressing! Do not envy or be angry with the Freezer!

Instead, help him out (this also works on Wallet Clenchers) by framing his decisions by priority. These types respond well to priority-framing and you will see them thaw out right before your eyes.

The Wait-It-Out Technique. This is another thing you can try. Commiserate with your Freezer and let him know that being indecisive is okay, that he is not required to make a decision.

YOU: This is an important decision that can wait. It’s okay to NOT decide right now.
YOU: Take some time to decide. Sleep on it. Go eat some lunch first and then come back.

Hopefully, this Freezer can wait. The central idea here is to alleviate his anxiety and relieve pressure by providing an out. This will let him know he can sit down and think about things for a bit.

YOU: What’s more of a priority? To have us do data reco and get your data off? Would you prefer to wait if you can’t swing it?

Out of the hundreds of customers I have spoken to, with only a single exception, each person knew exactly what their biggest priority was, after I framed it out for them. Nobody stays on the fence: they always know which side of the fence they are on. And they all seemed to respond well to this priority-based method of framing decisions. You can see the relief and clarity wash over them.

In service, the trickiest thing is simply being able to articulate their issue in terms of their priorities. That is the secret.

Summary
The Freezer

Key Characteristic
overwhelmed

Defusing Technique
reframe their options by priority and emphasize the option to not decide

THE WALLET-CLENCHERS

The Miser
The Do-It-Yourselfer

The Miser

CUSTOMER: $129 for OS X Leopard?! That’s highway robbery!

This type of customer follows an old cliche: champagne tastes but a beer budget. They feel deeply conflicted between doing some particular thing and having to pay for it. He can’t make a decision.

Note how, all-of-a-sudden, he is amazed at having to open his wallet, at how a widget or service is not free, like it should be or like it used to be. (This archetype is tinged with the Victim of Obsolescence archetype — Customers are often a pastiche of different archetypes.) Force the Miser into making a decision by framing his decision in terms of priorities:

YOU: It’s a free country. What’s your priority? To get to work so you can get on with your life? Or save money? Whatever you want is okay with me. Do you need time to think about it?

Framing a customer’s decision in terms of priorities is very useful because it keeps you far, far in the back-ground of his dizzying array of options. But sometimes, with some people, you hit a wall.

CUSTOMER: I’m not paying for that. That’s too much,

When this happens with a Miser, then you must break out another big gun:

YOU: That’s the beauty of the free enterprise system. We’re free to run our enterprise as we see fit. And you are free to do business with us or not.

YOU: Hey, we gotta keep the lights on, y’know.

Summary
The Miser

Key Characteristic
cheap

Defusing Technique
remind them that shopping at your store is optional

The Do-It-Yourselfer

CUSTOMER: What do you mean you can’t sell me that service part? What do you mean by ‘outright’? My G5 weighs seventy-five pounds! I’m not bringing it in!

The Do-It-Yourselfer is a subtype of the Miser and is another kind of cost-conscious customer. His priority is to cut costs, stay independent, and do as little lugging computers around as possible. This type needs to be advised of the risks doing the work of professionals unprofessionally. The clincher here is that you must actually know what those risks are, what your policy is, and communicate both of them to the Do-It-Yourselfer with great clarity. That’s the hard part with this type: knowing whassup and being clear about it. So warn ‘em and move on.

Summary
The Do-It-Yourselfer

Key Characteristic
independent

Defusing Technique
remind them that we are no longer responsible

But the Do-It-Yourselfer begins asking you questions and starts taking up more time, they might turn into…

THE MAD SCIENTIST

This type of customer is the kind who does his own repairs for fun, for the thrill of it. He — and Mad Scientists are almost always men for some reason — is a technician himself, a hot-rodder, a mechanic, the one who normally has all the answers. Except this time. This time the Mad Scientist does not have the answer, which is why he’s come to your repair shop. To get an answer from you. And his question is almost always a stumper:

CUSTOMER: I want to project a twelve-videostream light-show up onto the bottom of the Brooklyn Bridge using my PowerBook 12” and a wind-generator, while on my sea kayak. What do I need?

Man, ya gotta love the ambition! This character is the lovable MOD-er (as in Mod-Your-Computer) and they are a special treat when they visit — because they love what you sell too and are delightfully insane. But dealing with a mad scientist takes up a lot of time and really should be considered a time-sink because they often have highly specific questions and need highly specific parts, parts that take a lot of time to find and order. Sometimes you can’t even find an answer, even if you want to!

The best way to deal with this type is to find another employee who is herself a Mad Scientist in this area.

YOU: Ahh, yes. Video-DJ bungee-jumping with Mac Minis strapped to your face. You should talk to blah-blah-blah in the blahgity-bluh-blah department. She did that last weekend, I think.

Computer stores often hire some serious mad-scientists, and if you find a yin for your yan, you might create a match-made-in-heaven. Oftentimes a friendship develops and you (who needs to get back to business) are now off the hook. The clincher of this response is you must know a little bit about many of your co-workers.

Summary
The Mad Scientist

Key Characteristic
visionary

Defusing Technique
be empathetic and seek out a kindred spirit

THE CRAZY TRAIN

CUSTOMER: Hello. I have a PowerBook 3400c and I think that satellite radiation has created a startup extension conflict. I brought it to your store in Staten Island. But you never fixed it! is that Spock? Hi Spock! Leonard Nimoy sometimes whispers to me.

Warning! This customer cannot be reasoned with! He is a Crazy Train, a high-stakes, dangerous customer that may blow up right before your eyes. When you first encounter this archetype, buckle your seatbelt, because you are going for a ride on the Crazy Train and you might very well go off the rails.

Victims, Time-sinks, Wallet-Clenchers, and Mad Scientists are like interstellar asteroids: they’re everywhere, they might bang you around a little, but they’re relatively harmless. They are, in a way, your bread and butter.

But Crazy Trains however are black holes — they are very rare dark stars; exceedingly dangerous; unstable, on the verge of imploding; and possessing a powerful gravitational pull with an event horizon that you must not pass. Pound-for-pound, these are the most stressful and difficult customers you will encounter.

YOU: I’m sorry, but I find a number of discrepancies. First, I have no record of your repair. Second, we do not have a location in Staten Island. Third, yes, that is Spock and he is on a poster. And lastly, sir, we only repair Apple Computers and that is a Dell.

If you cannot handle this ride on the Crazy Train, then immediately escalate the situation to a manager. If, for some calamitous reason, you must handle this customer yourself — or if you are a manager — reduce the damage they do by placating them as quickly as possible and getting them out of the store. Damage control is the operative idea here. Limit damage by forcing the Crazy Train to stay on its rails.

“Crazy Train”
Crazy, but that’s how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it’s not too late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate

Mental wounds not healing
Life’s a bitter shame
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train
— Ozzy Osbourne, ©1981.

Summary
The Crazy Train

Key Characteristic
insane

Defusing Technique
expedite the activity with extreme care, escalate to a manager

AN OVERVIEW OF THE ARCHETYPES

ARCHETYPE	KEY CHARACTERISTIC	DEFUSING TECHNIQUE
THE VICTIMS
The Victim of Obsolescence	blindness	realign their expectations about technology, reinforce that it is they who have changed
The Lemon Sniffer	superstitious	realign their expectations on why things break
Mr. Clueless	ignorant	realign their expectations on what they are responsible for
THE TIME-SINKS
The Brainsucker	clingy	quickly define a time boundary
Mr. Special	over-entitled	gently assert the power dynamics of your relationship and define the boundaries of your service
The Helpless Child	irresponsible	define the boundaries of your service
The Mental Wanderer	blurred	define the boundaries of discussion, control the conversation
Sir Return-a-Lot	disorganized	confirm your service and return policies, do not be distracted by their story
The Globetrotter	rushed	confirm your service and return policies, do not be distracted by their story
THE FREEZER	overwhelmed	reframe their options by priority and emphasize the option to not decide
THE WALLET CLENCHERS
The Miser	cheap	remind them that shopping is an optional activity
The Do-It-Yourselfer	independent	remind them that we are no longer responsible
THE MAD SCIENTIST	visionary	be empathetic and seek out a kindred spirit
THE CRAZY TRAIN	insane	expedite the activity with extreme care, escalate to a manager

THESE DIFFICULT TIMES

Celebrating Difficulties in an Age of Convenience

DEFUSING DIFFICULT CUSTOMERS: The Bomb Squad Techniques